A Hermit Story

Instead of 

“You sure know how to make people smile.”

I said,

“You have the potential to be a clown. I might consider hiring you.”

Sorry if you think there’s hard feelings. I didn’t meant it. No, I’m not apologizing for sealing my lips. Yes, I’m unwilling to tell you who he is, because I think that you shouldn’t be that bossy. I need to be treated as a human with her rights to decide for herself infront of you. Don’t think there’s a need to let you know, wat’s the point of tellling you? No harm revealing who he actually is, but no, you don’t have that privilege to know everything about me. Anymore.

And another HE. Sorry, didn’t know you were that serious. I thought you were another guy with a swap of honey on his lips, therefore neglecting that sincere heart in you. But stop talking those rubbishes with me, that’s just a waste of time. Physically or spiritually, I’m not that good as you thought I am. We are miles apart, you don’t know me well enough to tell me that u will wait for me. I don’t deserve your patience. You’re just another stranger that’s merely living in the computer. You don’t deserve my patience either.

Sorry to another two friends out there. Ruined the whole kk plan. Am not going anymore, think we gals are going to pass our Christmas in Brunei. I know, there’s nothing else for me to say other than sorry, sorry and sorry. I’ve breached my promise, I’ve ruined the plan, I’m the sinful one.

Sorry fuu, not goin Curtin anymore.

Sorry mom, for being kinda stubborn these days and being such a ruthless one without manners when I’m talking with you.

Sorry friends, am leaving that soon to KL. Didnt really get to tell you guys of my decision.

Argh, I’m such a sinner.

I know, as we go on, we’ll meet times when we are to make decisions in order to pursue our journey. We are all going to ask ourselves in doubt. Is this the right path I’m leading? To the left, or to the right? Empty minded, I stand in between the paths puzzling where should I head to. There seems to be no finish line, and every paths are never ending paths. All I could do is to follow my heart.

For some people, they know where exactly they wanted to be. They have everything plotted in their mind, they visualise their future in mind, they are capable in believing in themselves, they have the determination within them, then they drew a map for themselves and they own their own compass. They won’t lost their way, even if they did, they can easily get on the right track again when they check on their compass.

I tried to draw up maps, imitating those people. Trying to draw the routes as accurately as possible. Failure is the word to describe my work. I’m not confident in it, I don’t trust myself, I’m always reluctant to step out. Even if I have the best map of all, I dare not to believe in my own work. Furthermore, I’m directionless without compass. Pathetic. I need my compass.

A compass just to tell me that I’ve made the right decision. A compass just to build up my self confidence. A compass just to persuade and lure me to step forward. I just need someone to give me the assurance, whether it’s true or just another lie to make me believe I’ve made the best decision among all the other options.

Yet, I’m still in search of my compass.